Re-Air: Dr. Becky Kennedy: Wire Your Children for Resilience
How To Validate A Child’s Feelings When They Fall: Practical Language That Helps
In this revisit of a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, hosts Mayim Bialik and Jonathan Cohen explore parenting techniques that prioritize emotional safety, clear boundaries, and the adult’s role in teaching regulation. Rather than minimizing a child’s experience with phrases like “you’re fine,” Dr. Kennedy recommends reflective language that communicates, “You didn’t expect that to happen,” which helps children feel both real and safe.
Why Reflective Listening Builds Emotional Resilience In Kids
Reflective listening — naming what a child is experiencing without judgment — gives children internal language to soothe themselves later. When a parent narrates a child’s experience (
Key points
- Validate a child’s emotion immediately using reflective listening to reduce fear and build self-soothing language.
- Interrupt escalation by noticing early body signals and moving the child away from triggers.
- Set clear, related boundaries like "I won’t let you" instead of punitive, unrelated consequences.
- Teach emotion regulation skills before behavior interventions to change underlying nervous system patterns.
- Say what you know and what you don't know to model calm leadership during uncertainty.
- Use descriptive, open-ended prompts to encourage a child’s thought process and creative explanation.
- Prioritize parent reparenting work to improve responses and model steady emotional regulation.
FAQ
How should I respond when my child falls and cries?
Use reflective language like 'You didn't want that to happen' to validate their experience, help them feel seen, and teach internal self-soothing language.
What's the difference between setting boundaries and giving consequences?
Setting boundaries protects safety and models authority ('I won't let you') while consequences unrelated to the behavior add shame without teaching skills.
How can I help a child who misses the other parent?
Name the sadness honestly, hold them through it, and say if appropriate 'I miss them sometimes too' to normalize and co-regulate feelings.
What does 'change the circuit before the behavior' mean?
Teach emotion regulation and pause strategies so children build internal skills rather than relying on post-behavior punishment.
What is reparenting and why does it matter for parents?
Reparenting involves adults doing the inner work to give themselves secure internal messages, enabling them to respond calmly and consistently to their children.
